February 22nd 2021
Well, blow me, I’ve really missed my chance this time. I should have been getting all hearts and flowers last week, but I really didn’t have the energy, and it’s all been done before. Couldn’t think of a new angle. Silly me.
We were heading off out – to the dentist, actually, I do lead an exciting life – when a van whizzed past us. On the side it said ‘FLOWERS – WEDDINGS, ANNIVERSARIES, SPECIAL OCCASIONS – WET FISH.
You could have knocked me down with a haddock. Valentine’s Day the other week, and I never even considered a couple of kippers done up in cellophane with a big pink bow on.
“I saw these, and thought of you.”
You do feel a fool when you realise you’ve completely missed something that everyone else has known about for years.
Posies of Pilchards, Sprays of Sardines, Romantic Roach and Bunches of Bream were being delivered the length and breadth of the land, and I never knew. It probably explains the lack of romance in my life.
Because no-one sent me so much as a squid, never mind a gift-wrapped octopus. I feel quite hurt.
Well, too late now. But the knowledge is filed away for the future. Life will be haddock and flowers from now on.
And what else have I missed?
There’s the natural consequence of all that romance, of course! It’s blindingly obvious, once you know.
A nautical motif for the ceremony – seashells along the aisle, a bouquet of bloaters, a pike-bearing guard of honour, white satin sea-boots and a three-tier fishcake at the reception. A shoal or so of herring for the silver wedding, and a pondful of carp for the golden.
You can say it all with halibut.
I’m making notes.
And Mother’s Day is coming up again any minute. A potted shrimp or two should be very acceptable. And an old trout for the mother-in-law.
And then, there are times one wishes to be a bit more uproarious. Possibly in your favourite fish bar, Finnan O’Haddocks, which is always full of pickled herring getting maudlin… “ Darling, they’re playing our tuna…”
Times like this, when you’re on the way home in the wee small hours, it might be advisable to pick up a single red snapper at the filling station; wet fish for a very special lady. It just could prevent you getting a slap in the face with one.
But whatever the occasion, never forget that a shark is worth a thousand words.
My price list will be available shortly.