Knit your own conspiracy theory

January 30th 2021

I am wearing this tinfoil hat, so I know I’m safe! 

But the rest of you better watch out, because you are all being controlled by giant lizards who live on the far side of the moon, though you don’t know it. Only me, but I have secret insider info, the source of which I am not at liberty to divulge. I just do, so shut up and listen. It’s the lizards in control.

Or they might as well be really, the way things are going.

America is pretty well known for containing more total nutters per square inch than the UK – they have the space for them – but what happens over there tends to come over here eventually (something to do with the Gulf Stream, I think), so we can expect the giant lunar lizards to be the least of our worries soon.

For the last four years, pretty much everything that’s come out of the U S of A concerning their late president and his followers has been of the “You couldn’t make it up” variety. This came to a head with the ‘True Democrats of Oskagoogie County, Kentucky: We Believe in Liberty and We’ll Blow Your Head Off If You Don’t Agree With Us” brigade rampaging around the U.S. government buildings.

Good grief, there was a chunk of an American phone-in played on the BBC news a couple of weeks ago. Whilst someone else in the background kept shrieking ‘JESUS CHRIST!!!’ over and over again (and she wasn’t swearing)… another woman was saying earnestly to the host: “Well, what I’m most concerned about is all the HEAVY METALS that are in the vaccine that LITTER-ALLY turn your whole body into an antenna on the 5G network!”   Horrified gasps ensued.

She continued with the whole palaver about how coronavirus was a computer virus (WHAT???!!!!) and the vaccine was a secret way for Bill Gates to inject us all with a microchip in league with the Chinese Communist Party (WHAAAATTT??!!^@^%£$^&*!!!) – by which time I’d fallen off the sofa laughing.

They carried on with how Covid was a hoax, (invented by the Guv’ment of the You-Ess-Ay/the Chinese communists/the satanic paedophiles who have secretly been running Washington since the days of George W) but The Beeb tuned them out, and I’d pretty well lost the will to live before we got past the Guv’ment plot.

I’d not yet sorted out whether it was the phantom microchip (free with every jab!) or Bill Gates that was in league with the CCP, and which of them was then going to control us, never mind why or what on earth Bill G had in common with the senior Chinese Suits, when POW! the lunacy hit over here too.  I guess the Gulf Stream got in on the act, too, and made it get here even quicker.

I had my first jab last week, and a couple of mates went for theirs, too. One of them had been texted by a friend saying she’d got the call as well, and wasn’t it great. Then ten minutes later, another text arrived. This dear lady was now in two minds, she said, as she’d just heard that the jab had a microchip in it so that the Government would be able to check just where you were, and she didn’t like the sound of that…. (Come on dear, if you’ve got a mobile phone they can do that already if they really want… Tinfoil hat, tinfoil hat!!).

Fortunately, the mutual friend fell off her sofa laughing, told the doubter that her info had come from the rear end of a cow’s husband, and to stop being daft and go get the vaccine.  Which luckily she did, given she’s a care worker!

And maybe the US’s huge herds of cattle who no longer roam the range tended by cowboys, but live in vast grubby pens mile after mile, being injected with antibiotics and hormones to make them turn into huge tasteless steaks for huge tasteless people are to blame!  The mountains of manure they produce has to work its way into the water, as well as going down the gullets of the Capitol invaders and infecting their brains. And you know what they eat with their steaks?

CHIPS!

They call those skinny things fries over there, just to fool them – but McDonalds has been feeding microchips to Americans for YEARS, and they just haven’t clocked it. 

Like I said, watch out for those Giant Lizards, they are everywhere, and the only way to get rid of them is …laugh at them!

If you don’t, you might cry.

Huddersfield Times

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